In which I write about Grief

I wrote this several weeks ago after returning from a whirlwind trip to see my grandma laying in a casket. It was a rough few days but the Lord took me through it. So many right now are on the road of grief and they can't see the end. They need our prayers. 

Life has been a roller coaster. Days of waking up and wondering what is going to happen. Days of preparing for news of death and then suddenly hearing the exact opposite news. Life has been a maze of crazy ups and downs for the last few weeks.

You prepare for the worst news and then you hear that everything is fine and suddenly the emotions that had been racing in your heart stop.

Its exhausting. Wondering and waiting. Never sure what the day is going to hold. Waking up every single morning expecting to get a phone call delivering a death notice.

You jump everyone time the phone rings, because your phone doesn't receive many calls and they are usually only ones of bad news. 

Knowing that your mother is far away trying to wade through the mired of logistics of trying to care for her dying mother. Wanting to be there yourself and do something. Wishing you could say the last "see you later" to your grandma.

A few weeks ago, my grandma who had been aging ever so slowly over the last few years suddenly began to weaken rapidly. She was 93. She was ready to meet her Lord. Nothing was holding her back. She had told me for years all she wanted to do was die peacefully in her sleep.

Grandma was strong. The nurses said they had never seen anything like it. One day she would be hovering at death's door and then in the next moment she would be eating her favorite chocolate ice cream.

The roller coaster ran around the track faster. We hung on for the ride tight. Uncertain of the future. Finding it so difficult to make plans, but knowing God had it all planned out. The ride became crazier and crazier. Suddenly it was over and the event had happened.

 Rides never come to a peaceful end. So many things to do, people to see and so little time and now its over. Life has to start again, but when life has been so jolted there is no way to jump right in as if nothing ever happened.

Life runs in a circle around you and your trying to find the place to jump in, but you can't find your way. Maybe thats how its supposed to be? Did not God create emotion?

"Jesus Wept"

Did He not give us tears so we would cry them?

Did He not give us His son so we could cry with hope?

Its a blessing really to feel pain and joy in the moment. Life for me right now is not terrible, but sometimes you have to stop and think. You have to stop pushing it out of your mind and reflect upon what has happened. And you have to preach to yourself the truth of God. You cannot let your thoughts rest in the terribleness but in the hope of Christ.

All this to say that emotions right now are threatening to overwhelm me and so is the grace of God.