The year [in pictures]

People I miss

more people I miss...stifling tears

this old building...I've become very fond of it

the most interesting things happen when you ride in a car with friends for a long period of time

friends through thick and thin

The sun setting on grandma's last day on this earth

the snow, the buffalo, never thought I would miss them so

fun adventures

one of my favorite things to hear :)

we are friends

sad, but proud that flags were lowered for one of my classmates who was among the Yarnel 19

the open road, the wind blowing, the coming dusk, nothing like a good drive

last wedding of the year...my very first roommate

Honestly there could be more pictures, but I didn't take too many photographs this year, but there are many moments held in my memory forever

the year [in songs]

I turn up the music on the radio. I find my favorite song on youtube. I get all excited when Pandora plays my favoite song.

This year has its songs the ones I listened too over and over again...in just one day, because sometimes God is teaching you something and a song puts the words in your head that you could not form in your own mind.

It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
--"Nothing is Wasted", by Jason Gray

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

--"Worn", by Tenth Avenue North

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace

CHORUS
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

VERSE 3
Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You

--"All I have is Christ", by Jordan Kaufin 

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

-- "I shall not Want", by Audrey Assad

And then the song the teacher played in counseling class. Goosebumps appeared all over my arms and suddenly I could not fathom the grace God had given me to be able to counsel others.

 My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

--"Amazing Grace My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin

And just for kicks the song that makes me think of my crazy friend Liz and never ceases to make me smile.


If you were a boat, my darling
A boat, my darling
I'd be the wind at your back
If you were afraid, my darling
Afraid, my darling
I'd be the courage you lack
--"Boat Song", by JJ Heller 

And these are the songs that when I hear them make me think of a moment in 2013 when I heard the song for the first time or for some reason it just sounded different and blessed me like never before.  True some are sadder songs, because sometimes its when you are sadder is when music means the most, but 2013 had a lot of happy moments and I'm thankful for the music which helped me turn my thoughts upward and less inward.

What is your number 1 song or 10 songs from 2013?

Christmas Pieces

Moments I never want to forget.

Watching my aunt's face light up as she skyped with her "family" in South America.

Hearing my aunt tease us about our failure to enjoy the authentic South American prune and olive stuffing.

Cooling an enormous pot of eggnog in the snow in hopes it would be chilled for proper consumption later.

Strong black coffee topped with a luscious pile of whipped cream and chocolate shavings just because it was Christmas.

Acting all excited when the senior citizens shared that they had finally discovered how to use fb chat :) .

Making monkey bread for the very first time.

This verse,

 

The people who walk in darkness
Will see a great light;
Those who live in a dark land,
The light will shine on them.

 

 

The Christmas eve service. Lights twinkling softly, the cello and violin playing together, and voices joined together singing to the tune of "let us adore Him"...

 

"We will give Him all the glory"
"We will give Him all the glory"

and then singing "Oh Holy Night", shivers, oh lots of shivers.

 

My mom giving me vanilla extract for Christmas because she knows I love it so well.

 

Playing this song over and over again. Filled with wondrous peace knowing that all is well because God is reigning on the throne.

 

Feeling so happy and content to be with my family, yet yearning so terribly to see my friends scattered hither and yonder.
Not realizing till now that this song was written by Hugh Martin for the hope of being together again after WWII.

 

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay
From now on, our troubles will be miles away
Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more
Through the years we all will be together
If the fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

 

And this list goes, but my eyes are too tired to write. Let's just say it was not a perfect Christmas (because who really has a perfect Christmas?), but it was a lovely Christmas. 

Imperfection used for Redemption

Mary, the young woman who went through the agony of childbirth and then years later the agony of watching her Son die a horrific death.

I think of her the way probably a lot people think of her. I think of Mary being the essence of perfection. Obviously who else but a perfect woman would be chosen to carry the king of kings in her womb for 9 months?

Mary wasn't perfect. The child she carried beneath her heart was perfect, but Mary was cursed with a sin nature just like the rest of us.

Mary fought sin. She might have fought selfishness. She might have fought pride. She might have fought self-control.

Mary seems to me like the friend we all have. The friend who has it all together. The friend who never utters a word that shouldn't be said. The friend with a perfectly beautiful organized life. The friend whose actions and life drips the fruit of the Spirit.

Secretly we envy and wonder their how they do it. How can someone be so entirely perfect and how can I myself be so awful in comparison to them?

And then one day we sit across wooden tables and drink coffee and the friend mentions a struggle they have been having. You try your best not to gap in astonishment.Seriously they must be telling a tall tale to make you feel better for sharing all the woes of your own life.

No one is perfect. We all struggle with our own weaknesses and sinful desires.

Mary was weak, she just like everyone else needed the strength of her Lord.

God did not pick Mary because of her perfection. I think, notice the word think, God called Mary because of her willingness to follow God.

 And Mary said:

“My soul exalts the Lord, 

And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. 

 “For He has had regard for the humble state of His bondslave;
For behold, from this time on all generations will count me blessed. 

 “For the Mighty One has done great things for me;
And holy is His name.

Mary submitted. Imperfect Mary submitted. The impossible was done through her, because she let God work in her life.

We don't know the struggles of Mary's heart. The thoughts she was tempted to think or the words she might have regretted saying.

All we know is that Mary was a piece of God's plan in bringing redemption to this earth. God used an imperfect piece to complete His perfect plan.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in comparison to other's "perfection" that we miss the task God has laid before us.

God gave Mary a task that was not worthy for, but Mary embraced the task and served her Lord.

We are so weak compared to God, yet God chooses out of His grace to use us for His glory.

I'm not sure I will ever get over that awesome thought.

Mary is not to be worshiped, her actions are not to be worshiped, but the Son Mary gave so much for is to be worshiped.

Let us adore Him. 

The not so Wonderful Christmas

Christmas Eve has dawned...though on this cloudy dreary the sun has yet to shine. Perhaps the day is gray, but there is something cozy about the cloudiness.

Small bits of snow are scattered around just enough to give a picturesque Christmas look, but not too much to make the roads a nasty mess.

I'm sipping black coffee out of a deliriously beautiful Christmas mug. My nose is about ready to dance off my face with joy, as it smells the delicious aroma of monkey bread filling the house.

Everything just seems to be wonderful "for the most wonderful time of the year".

But a lot of people are on my mind today, those who are struggling to see the wonderful in Christmas.

Honestly I'm not sure today how to enjoy Christmas, not be an overly exuberant person who has no regard for others sadness.

Your Christmas looks like this.



And this only seems to mock you.


 

Others have written about it.

Boundless writes " Christmas often staggers under the weight of human emotion and expectation — just as it has from the very start." 

Hayley writes, "The happy music seemed to mock my sorrow and the joy of Christmas everywhere drove a sharp knife deeper. "

And I wrote about it too, "Right now for many this Christmas may look bleak. And its okay. Sometimes at Christmas you have to weep. Mourn with those who mourn."

Today is Christmas Eve, which personally for me tops Christmas day in its festiveness.I love the feeling, sipping eggnog while gushing over "It's a Wonderful Life" for the 14th time, but sometimes life doesn't seem so wonderful.

When we watch the movie we see the entire story. The joy, the heart ache, the depression, the wondering, and in the end happiness prevails.

We have not see the ending yet of our lives, and for many their life may feel like the saddest most heart wrenching part of "It's a Wonderful Life", but remember you have not seen the ending that God alone knows.

To you who is not having the most wonderful Christmas. I know the outward pain of some, but for some of my friends I may not know the pain inside that is making their heart throb.

 I want you all to know I'm thinking and praying for you. This is my Christmas wish to you, my only wish.

That you will feel the deep comfort of our Savior. The One who was born to save us from our sorrows and give us hope. I can only offer comfort and hope with my feeble words, but it is Christ who provides when the strength has run out.

A Merry Christmas Eve to you my friends.

"How Sweet the Day"

First Christmases are joyous. Ornaments are hung on the tree celebrating the date of the baby's first Christmas. Together with glee the newlyweds put up their first tree and over zealously hang mistletoe in every doorway.

There is something magical about first Christmas's.

 Then there is the first Christmas with one less person to buy gifts for. Your unwrapping memories of him/her in your mind instead of wrapping presents for him/her to open.

Its the first Christmas for me without grandparents.

Little did I know last Christmas would be the last time we went to "grandma's house" for Christmas.

When I said goodbye to her it would be for the last time.

Honestly I can't remember the last time I saw my grandma. Of course I went to see her right before I left town to head back to the North, but I don't remember the last goodbye.

Winter was dreary and cold and the days felt like eternity. Grandma was slipping away. Her time had come. She was old and ready to go, but for me the youngest granddaughter who had but one living grandparent...I was not ready to let my grandma go.

Mom called and asked if I wanted to talk on the phone to grandma, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to say the last good bye. I didn't want to say the words of finality. I wanted to always be able to go grandma's house. And I wanted my grandma's name to be typed in elegant font in my wedding program. 

Grandma was ready and God was ready and so home to glory grandma went.

I felt strangely odd to not have any living grandparents. I've wondered in the days since if you can really be a grandchild when you have no grandma's house to go to?

There is something that feels off about this Christmas. Something strangely missing. Even if I wouldn't have gone to grandma's house anyway for Christmas she still would have been there to go see.

The list of people I know who having that first Christmas without a loved one this year is long.

19 men died in the Arizona dessert in June leaving a multitude of family and friends in mourning.

 4 of my dear elderly friends slipped away from this earth this year.

1 tiny little baby for no explained human reason died in his mother's womb.

6 more deaths added just this week when 5 soldiers died in helicopter crash and a 1 victim of murderer left his pregnant wife a widow.

My friend's grandma. The list of heart ache goes on and on. There are too many to name.

Right now for many this Christmas may look bleak. And its okay. Sometimes at Christmas you have to weep. Mourn with those who mourn.

This first Christmas will be a trial for many, but some day the trials will be over because a Savior came to this broken world.

Christmas is hope because our Savior has come and again He will come. And the day will be a sweet one, so sweet it will erase all memory of bitterness.

"Oh sing for joy, lift up your voice
Let us sing for joy, the whole earth rejoice
Let us sing for joy to the Son
For Jesus our Savior has come

How sweet the day when Christ returns
We’ll see the One for whom we yearn
Then we’ll look full upon His face
Our hearts will burst with songs of praise

Come, Lord Jesus, come"

"How Sweet the Day"---Sovereign Grace Music

 

This Christmas may be hard... harder then you want to it to be, but take hope the sweet day is coming. 

Uncle Herbert's Smile

I remember the laugh. How his eyes crinkled with joy. How it was hard for him to finish a sentence because the laughter got in the way of the words.

And it wasn't unusual to hear that laugh, because Uncle Herbert was just always so joyful.

His voice filled with joy as he proudly announced the recent marriage of his daughter at the local co-op.

Grinning from ear to ear as he played with little children.

Smiling mysteriously as he told a story and thus putting all of his listeners into gales of laughter

Uncle Herbert always had a smile on his face, sometimes he would try to frown, but you could always see the laughter in his eyes.

I wonder if he has ever stopped laughing these past three years? Because in heaven people don't frown. Do your cheeks ever ache from smiling all the time I wonder?

Some day I'll know, but for now I'm thankful Uncle Herbert knows beauty of heaven, because of God's grace.

But that smile,

I miss it and when I think about missing it I want to be sad for the pain, but at the same time I want to smile at the memories.

Thankful for the smile Uncle Herbert gave to us all.

Thankful that Uncle Herbert is now perpetually smiling up in glory.

Empty Chairs

There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Now my friends are dead and gone.

Les Miserables



Hustle and bustle of meal time. Making sure everyone's coffee stays hot. Making sure that everyone has their favorite juice and whatever else they may need.

In the corner sits a table that once was full, but now there is a empty chair. Vacated only so recently that the chair almost still seems to hold warmth.

Another spot empty. Another hole. Another piece of my heart taken away.

When your old and weary death is somewhat expected, but just because someone is "old enough to die" doesn't mean I don't miss how their personality touched my life.

All I know of these people is how they are at their end of their life. Aged and tired, but still full of love for the things they have always loved.

"A person is a person, no matter how small "

Dr. Seuss

Sometimes I want to scream that a person is a person no matter how old. Maybe they don't hear they way they used too. Maybe they say forward things to you like "how many boyfriends do you have?" (notice the plural form ). Maybe they can't see and maybe they give you too much detail about their health problems.

 

Maybe we can stop and see beyond what we see presently. To see the person in their youth working hard toward their life's goal. To see how that person lived through a important part of history. To see how that person loved their family. To see how that person struggled and ached through life just how as we are now doing.

Maybe I can remember that its the disease and age is making the elderly person act almost as a child, but they still deserve the respect of someone who is 60 years older than I.

And its those people the one's some would say have nothing left to give to this life...they are the ones who touch my heart. They are the ones who give me small pieces of wisdom.

And when I see their empty chair a lump in my throat rises and I mourn that the sun has once again on a very rich and full life of someone I knew.