Those Friends.

The friend.

 The one's who laugh at me when I say I'm craving luscious green salads. The friend that knows exactly what its like to love smoothies and to want to make healthy food.

The friend will indulge in a blizzard with me just for the fun of it. The friend who will text me and encourage me to keep on eating better.

The friend who will force my thoughts from me. Even when it means the tears will come first. The friend who won't roll their eyes at me but will understand the struggles and the hurt.

The friend who will laugh at me because we both know I'm so goofy and nothing will change that.

The friend who will want to change the world right along with me and know how frustrating it is to be able to only be filling the ocean with an eye dropper.

The friend who will sit beside me while we eat greasy bacon and homemade pancakes. We will laugh about the fact here we sit on a Friday night while our married friends go off and party.

The friend who will understand the path is not easy. The friend who will take your hand and say lets do this together.

The friend you will leave so you can go and make a friend with someone who has no friends. The friend who understand that sometimes you can't be with them all the time, but you will always have that friend in your mind.

Friends you know who you are, but do you know how much I thank God for you? How much you have blessed me? I can't even find words to describe it...only tears.

Its true what they say...

“YOU WANT TO GO FAST, GO ALONE. IF YOU WANT TO GO FAR, GO TOGETHER.”

― african proverb

Tell Them.

Abortion has been on the forefront of our mind lately thanks to 3801 Lancaster. Evidence from this case is almost too much to bear and makes you fight to keep your stomach from hurling out its contents. Shivers run down your spine with when you realize how little difference there is between the Holocaust and the abortion clinic in question.

And this case has made me think...about me. The baby whom my mother brought into the world at 44 years of age. After she had grown children. After she had already birthed several children.

After she had all the children she ever needed. After the time her body had passed the optimum time for bearing children.

After all good reasoning said you should not have a child.

People find out how old my sister is and old I am. They wonder if I was the surprise. The caboose. All just fancy words for asking if you were the "oops child".

"Were you the child whom God wasn't supposed too in His sovereignty place into this world?"

Sometimes I feel like thats what their asking. Which is probably the extreme, but still.

True its awkward thing to be an "age gap child". Fighting between wondering if you fit in best with the grandchildren or your older siblings. Trying to ignore the fact that family gatherings are sometimes just plain awkward. Laughing about the fact your parents are older then your friends grandparents.

Does it mean its really so wrong to be born on what is considered to be a strange time table. 

My mother told me how happy she was when she found out I was coming. She told me I was not the surprise, but part of God's timing.

I'm not writing that I'm God's gift to this world and its a wonderful thing that I'm here when I should not have been. 

I'm writing about the babies whose mommies looked at the risk of having a child in their 40s and decided it was too much. Papers were signed and IV's inserted and then life was gone. I wonder how those mommies are doing now. Are they healthy? Are doing okay emotionally? Are their lives better today because of what happened legally in a clinic?

 Something tells me their not.

I'm writing about those babies who have yet to be conceived. The babies that still have a chance at this world. Babies who need a voice and a fighter as they silently grow in the womb.

I'm writing for the women who are going to need someone to say that they will be supported in their decision to choose life. Someone who will walk the road with them. Tell them that they don't have to choose death. Tell them that God's grace is more then enough for facing an unplanned pregnancy.

And I the child who wasn't supposed to be born wants to do something to tell them.

Its about giving soft wrinkly babies a chance at this world. Its about giving the broken, hope.

Its about telling the world of God's grace. 

We know, so why should we not share what we know to a lost and hurting world? 

Wednesday Thoughts

The wind is blowing and blowing, but the air has a hint of warmness and we can hope that spring may really be coming.

There are a lot of thoughts that are running through my head lately. Which is natural I suppose when you are about to end a chapter of your life and start another.

 Things like this song. 

It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer.

 By Jason Gray

And I've been thinking about idols. Because sometimes I need to stop and look at all those little things I do just because I can. I wonder if I could live without all those wonderful little things or if I would throw a tantrum that would put a 2 year old to shame should they be taken away.

So I'm musing not on a turning to a legalistic way of life, but thinking on what really are my priorities in life. What takes precedence in my day and what doesn't.

And I've been thinking about health. As in not drinking caffeine and not eating sugar. I love steaming mugs of rich blackest of black coffee. I love heaping bowls of creamy chocolaty ice cream and soft melty chocolate chip cookies. Mmmm...I'll stop talking about food now.

Your welcome.

Seriously though not eating as much sugar never hurt anybody. Drinking coffee doesn't hurt people either, but maybe its time for me to try an experiment .

No I'm not going to preach to y'all to stop drinking coffee because in the words of my mother "one man's delight is another man's poison". Or something to that effect.

Is there a reason that I just wrote about idols and then wrote about food? Well I shall refrain from answering such ridiculous questions.


Oh and I've made some goals for the summer.

 Fall  more in love.

Nothing better then sweet summer romance eh? Especially when your falling in love with God. I'm contemplating such things as summer Bible studies with friends and memorizing books of the Bible and dates with God in the coffee shop and long walks in sweltering evening to think and pray.

Of course there has been more thoughts swirling around in my brain, but I haven't the patience to write them all down...so its your turn. Tell me a random thought.

Ready. Set. Go!

Those Little things

When I first wrote about the snow I was enraptured with it. Oh my it was so beautiful and the cozy feelings of snow days make shivers run down your spine.

Well that was two weeks ago.

 All last week it snowed and it then it was slush and all the while it was very cold.

Today its snowing again. I'm afraid the delighted feelings of happiness over snow aren't showing up in my day.

May starts next week and I yearn for warm weather and to see budding flowers. Oh the joy of the freshness of spring is what I truly desire. Not the dismal dreary days of winter that should have come 3 months ago and not in the middle of Spring.

I'm such a typical human. Getting all enraptured about the newest and greatest thing and then just just as quickly ready for the next thing.

I'm guilty of longing. Guilty of wishing for what I don't have and missing all the joy around me because I was pining away for something better.

I've missed a lot. I don't really know what all I've missed, but certainly a lot of little wonderful things happened around me while I was sulking about the big thing that wasn't happening. 

Seems I need to remind myself more often to be all here instead of reminding myself of what isn't happening.

Every day life happens and its up to me whether I'm going to notice all the little things of life or put my focus on something that doesn't even exist.

Settle down and relax.... more is happening then you think Bethanne.

love=broken heart

So, I'm talking about broken hearts today.

Not broken hearts of dating relationships and sappy crushes. No I'm talking about the love of the places you go and the people you see.

I've gone to the South. I left a piece of my heart there. I've gone to the North. I left a piece of my heart there too. East, West, South, and North. I've been all directions and left pieces of my heart in every direction. 

They say  not to give your heart away. Keep it whole you can't love with a broken heart is the advice given out. 

I believe in breaking your heart. Maybe not on purpose, because who intends to let their heart be broken. Afterwards though when the chunk has been ripped from your heart you are better person.

Because you loved.

Because people loved you back.

Because you saw things you never saw before and will never forget.

Because people said things to you that changed your life.

And when it was over you were left with a broken heart.

When I was young and naive I thought I could never love another place besides my homeland. Surely there was nothing better besides open spaces and blowing prairie grass. I had friends and I had family and I had church, but I didn't know what I was missing.

Until I made a decision and left. Not because I was frustrated or found my home useless. No it was time to try something new.

It wasn't love at first sight. Sometimes making new friends is awkward. Sometimes you have to tell yourself to be there instead of somewhere else. Sometimes your not sure how to be yourself in a new place and then you find yourself being more of yourself then you ever were before.

It doesn't take long "and love takes you in and everything changes". Que Steven Curtis Chapman in the background. Excuse the cheesy moment please.

You have fallen in love and you can't imgaine another place that could be anymore perfect then this.

Then it happens. The road starts to bend and you realize its going a different way then you thought. And you realize your heart is being broken and you can hardly bear the pain.

Its a "wonderfully terrible thing" to have your heart broken. (thanks liz )

Breaking of a heart means there was love. No broken heart. No love. Nothing would be more terrible then not having love in your life and all the pain that comes with love.

Strangely love is the most beautiful feeling and yet sometimes the most awful feeling ever felt. 

The only really consoling fact about leaving a place you love is the anticipation of knowing in the next place your going to grow your world even bigger. 

Go see new places.

Meet new people.

Love them with all of your being and your not going to regret a single thing. 

Monday

Happy Monday.
Happy Tax Day.

 Happy explosion day.

Get the sarcasm ? Nothing is very happy about today. You can be happy you paid taxes because it meant you actually made money instead of losing money. You can be happy that its a start of a new week, but happy about a blood stained street in Boston not going to happen.

No happy is not a good word to define today, April 15, 2013. It was going to be just a normal Monday, but now the date is in the history books forever.

I'm not going to forget how I was standing with sweat reeking from my workout clothes when I saw the e-mail from my brother telling me to check the news.

I didn't check the news much. On facebook there was a avalanche of pictures and status updates.

Today was another sad day in America. Another reminder that this country of such wealth and prosperity is not immune horrific deeds of injustice.

A feeling washed over me today. The same feeling I had when at 11 years of age I stood in my pajamas and watched the world trade centers crumble. A feeling of something being stolen from you. 

Fire has burned up more then buildings and streets. Its burned up our security and life no longer feels so care free and you know one day its all going down.

I know who is in control. I know who is right there comforting EMS workers, onlookers, grief stricken families, and hurting people laying under bright lights in a hospital. The same God who is right here with us now.

 Giving us the knowledge that its not about the awfulness of today, but about the hope of the future.

I know the end of the story and I'm going to trust in the One who knows every detail of that story. 

Here

Their body is here with us in the room. Their presence is with us, but their mind is not here with us. When the story began to be told and everyone started to laugh suddenly their mind was not here.

The person tries to laugh, but inside they are trying not to cry. Their mind  mind has been transported from here to a place of painful memory. A place where they do not want to be, but they are there because life gave them something they didn't ask for.

They are around us. People who are here with us in our social circles, but whose minds carry so much baggage its all they can do to be there in body.

They watch the movie with us, but they are not here. Their trying not to think about what the movie reminds them of from their past.

They are here in church with us and their trying to be joyful and say they are okay, but the pain is so deep.

Everywhere we go we are with people, but are they really here with us in all of their wholeness or are they in another world of desperation and pain?

Oh help me not to bring people to my "here", but to go to them in their place and somehow show them its okay to not be here.

faithful

My mother tells me she has trouble hearing my voice, because its "so small". Someone once told me I sounded just like a flower. I was a bit disturbed that flowers obviously made a habit of talking to this person.

I have trouble using my voice to be honest. When the room is crowded full of people and many voices chime into the conversation my voice says nothing.

 Oddly without even trying I will just observe, because I don't really know why. Others have so many things to say and sometimes I have so little to say.

If you will sit across from me at the table you will know that I have a voice that will talk and talk until your ears are weary.

If you are the person who is standing away from the crowd I will muster up the courage to use my voice for something other then the follies or niceties of the weather and see if maybe we can be friends.

When I write my voice is comfortable. I can use my voice without ever uttering a word. When I write I will say things that just never seem to come out in ordinary conversation.

Clicking of the keys gives me passion and I write because I want my words to be heard. Not the words themselves, but I want the God who gave me words to be heard. 

I need to remind myself of that. Being heard as a writer is not about writing words that will change lives its about glorifying God.

Life isn't about being noticed its about glorifying God doing what He has given you to do. Strange how I lose sight of this little truth.

Life becomes a rhythm and then the rhythm becomes dry and I wonder why I even bother.

I do it for God. Because He called me. He called you to whatever task He has asked you to do.

Every now and then I seem to wake up to a day where I question why I'm doing what I'm doing and really is it doing any good?

"He who is faithful to call you will also do it"

  

When I don't feel like doing a thing I still have to be faithful to the One who has called. In His faithfulness will He take those little things and use them for His glory. 

Some days I just need to remember the word faithful and thank God for His grace when this girl is so unfaithful. 

Faithfulness is a pretty word eh?

Oh the Weather Outside...

Hello this is your resident diarist. I shall tell you all what I'm am doing today in case you wanted to know.

12:30 am. Finally go to sleep. My ice block of a nose was keeping me awake. My poor nostrils were not adapting very well to the sudden weather change.

6:01 am. Wrap yourself in wool coat, hat, scarf, snow boots and charge out into the Siberia like weather. Oh there is something about having an adventure. Even if the adventure is only across the parking lot and the drifts barely touch your knees. Still I might as well have been scaling Mt. Everest for the thrill it gave me.

6:57 am. Serving breakfast late to the very starving guys who have been out tirelessly shoveling snow. I'm sure their valiant efforts will spare us all from getting lost in piles of snow.

11:41 am. Listening to Christmas music and pretending that today is Christmas Eve. There is cocoa to be drunk by the fire and white elephant gifts under the tree.

12:36 pm. Eating bowl of steaming chili for lunch. I used to loath chili, because one rather large pot would last our family several meals in one week. Usually mom would make chili once a week in the winter but never in the spring or supper, so we (and our bodies) could have a reprieve from chili. I love chili these days, especially my mom's chili. 

3:13 pm. Sipping black chia tea with a bit of milk and memorizing James. Snowy days were made for tea...well every day was made for tea in my opinion.

4:37 pm. The guys are grilling steaks for supper. Weather doesn't stop us from having a good meal.

Secretly I'm in love with this April blizzard. Its the tantalizing excitement of being brave enough to face the cold. Also there is the firm hope that by next week this snow will be nothing, but a dim memory and we will be running barefoot in the mud puddles.

We are thankful. The snow is wet and we hope every bit of this freezing messiness will mean less fires this summer.


Yours Truely,
A girl with a very cold nose that is beginning to rival Rudolph's.

In which I write about Grief

I wrote this several weeks ago after returning from a whirlwind trip to see my grandma laying in a casket. It was a rough few days but the Lord took me through it. So many right now are on the road of grief and they can't see the end. They need our prayers. 

Life has been a roller coaster. Days of waking up and wondering what is going to happen. Days of preparing for news of death and then suddenly hearing the exact opposite news. Life has been a maze of crazy ups and downs for the last few weeks.

You prepare for the worst news and then you hear that everything is fine and suddenly the emotions that had been racing in your heart stop.

Its exhausting. Wondering and waiting. Never sure what the day is going to hold. Waking up every single morning expecting to get a phone call delivering a death notice.

You jump everyone time the phone rings, because your phone doesn't receive many calls and they are usually only ones of bad news. 

Knowing that your mother is far away trying to wade through the mired of logistics of trying to care for her dying mother. Wanting to be there yourself and do something. Wishing you could say the last "see you later" to your grandma.

A few weeks ago, my grandma who had been aging ever so slowly over the last few years suddenly began to weaken rapidly. She was 93. She was ready to meet her Lord. Nothing was holding her back. She had told me for years all she wanted to do was die peacefully in her sleep.

Grandma was strong. The nurses said they had never seen anything like it. One day she would be hovering at death's door and then in the next moment she would be eating her favorite chocolate ice cream.

The roller coaster ran around the track faster. We hung on for the ride tight. Uncertain of the future. Finding it so difficult to make plans, but knowing God had it all planned out. The ride became crazier and crazier. Suddenly it was over and the event had happened.

 Rides never come to a peaceful end. So many things to do, people to see and so little time and now its over. Life has to start again, but when life has been so jolted there is no way to jump right in as if nothing ever happened.

Life runs in a circle around you and your trying to find the place to jump in, but you can't find your way. Maybe thats how its supposed to be? Did not God create emotion?

"Jesus Wept"

Did He not give us tears so we would cry them?

Did He not give us His son so we could cry with hope?

Its a blessing really to feel pain and joy in the moment. Life for me right now is not terrible, but sometimes you have to stop and think. You have to stop pushing it out of your mind and reflect upon what has happened. And you have to preach to yourself the truth of God. You cannot let your thoughts rest in the terribleness but in the hope of Christ.

All this to say that emotions right now are threatening to overwhelm me and so is the grace of God. 

Life and Death

 Play the music for an extra touch.

On this Friday morning I have the ringer on my phone turned oh high. I'm checking my e-mail every  3 1/2 minutes. Give or take 20 seconds.

I'm waiting for the news that my niece has been born safely into this world.

Waiting for the news of new life. Life that begun 9 months ago in the womb. Life that will now breath the air of this world. Life that was kept safe inside its mother and will now feel the closeness of her mother's chest.

Beautiful new life will start today.

4 weeks ago I had the ringer on my phone turned on high. I checked my e-mail too often. I was waiting for the news of death.

My grandma was breathing her last. She had come into the world 94 years ago. She was a girl and then a young woman whom my grandpa fell in love with. She was a mother and then a grandmother. She was a friend, not just a friend, but a kindred spirit. She lived every bit of life she could and the time had come for the door to open and for her to be released from this world.

Grandma breathed her last that Friday Morning.

Today a baby will take its first breath.

The circle of life. The going out and the coming in. Life ends for some and then it begins for others.

Life will most often end pain just as it starts in pain. Strangely the ending and the beginning of life each have their own beauty. Life created by God and now being taken home by God. Life being started by God and will also be cared for by God.

Life is Beautiful.  Hold on to the moments tight. You never know when the last one will be.

Not so Bad Days

Well it was one of "those" days. I had been cooking for quite awhile when I realized that I was wearing my apron backwards, but maybe that was a good idea anyway since the front was decorated with particles of food.

The can opener and I had a disagreement and the can opener beat me to a pulp. A pulp of frustration and near tears.

Efficiently I buttered all my bread, so it would be ready for the 40 grilled cheese sandwiches I would make. Then there was a bit of imbalance of the pan and gravity took control and all of my slices of bread fell on the floor.

Nothing really went right besides the fact homemade chicken noodle soup was greatly enjoyed, but even that failed because I didn't make enough.

I really wanted to whine and grip about my apparent failures in the kitchen.

Then I get on Facebook and read statuses.

The mother who has just buried her 30 year old son. She is traveling on the long hard road of grief. Life is getting through each moment at a time and clinging to God's grace.

I read about the baby whose body was born into this world, but its life into the arms of Jesus. A mama who will heal from the birth physically, but emotionally will ache for her baby for days and days to come.

Another mother writes about the horrific emotional pain of watching her baby struggle for each breath as sickness over takes its lungs. The hour is of dark suffering and there is not much this mama can do.

These women don't have grilled cheese sandwiches and rebellious can openers on their minds. Life is getting through each moment. Wondering through a maze of grief and heart wrenching pain. Trying to live normal life, but not even sure what normal is anymore.

Sometimes life throws me what I think is an extraordinarily terrible day. I wonder though how many days are really all that horrible compared to the lives of so many hurting people? It doesn't take long before my moments of frustration seem very very small.

 Those "bad days" are needed though, because I need to learn grace. I need to learn how to respond to life with a smile.

And I need to learn to think about other people and not my own woes. And I simply need to remember that God's grace and strength is never not sufficient for each day.

 Maybe God is teaching me lessons in the little things, but He does not want me to forget those walking through the fire.

God's grace is sufficient for us all in whatever journey God is having us walk. And so in the strength of the Lord we press on to the victory.

Aprils Fools

Today is April 1st and if you don't know what also is today then you may want to watch out because you are pretty much a sitting duck just waiting for people to prank you.

I could write and tell you all about the amazing dude in my life and see how many of you would actually believe I'm madly in love.

FYI I'm not in love with anyone, but it does make me laugh how many of my friends suddenly go into a facebook relationship on April 1st.

Just for the sake of having a good time I'm going to give you some random facts about myself and those of you who graciously take the time to read my rambling can take a guess if I'm trying to fool your or not.

Prizes too! Well let me explain if you lived close I would bake you  some brownies. Which in the spirit of the day of jokes may or may not be tainted with uh lets just say some very effective cleansing medicines.

1. I'm a coffee drinking girl. I love the feel of the warm mug in my hands and the smell that wafts up to my nose. I love the fact that will give me a physiological boost to my day. Please  don't give me my coffee without cream and sugar or I'll turn up my nose to it.

2. Somewhere in a pile of papers that is somewhere in a chest filled with random objects  I have a letter handwritten letter from the president and CEO of Family Life Today. Just ask my mom I'm hooked on Family life. In High school I planned my whole school morning so could have a break during FL Today. I don't listen when they are talking about how to put more romance in your marriage or any other topics that I could do without, because that would just be awkward. A

3. As a child my dream job was working in the ER. I could just see myself racing around saving people's lives. Putting in IV's like it was as easy as tying your shoes. Comforting people and even giving blood right there on the spot if I had too.

4. My dream vocation would be a warm sandy beach and just laying there reading a good book all day long. With glasses of unlimited raspberry iced tea of course.  And I would like it if all of my friends could come and we could have a bonfire on the beach.

So is the baby me or my niece? Hint I have a "weird family".

5. One day when I was walking through wal-mart I was in a great haste so I decided to take a shortcut through the men's department. I was running as quickly as my non athletic self could manage and ran right smake into a boy of my own age. That was embarrssment number one. The second embarrssment was that he was carrying a glass jar of spegatie sauce that launched out of his hands  which of course broke on the floor and splattered everywhere. Not my fineist moment. I've avoided the mens section ever since.

6. Before going to bed as a child I would enjoy a bedtime snack of carrots and celery. I still do for that matter. Healthy food as always been the best. Though I never of course passed up the opportunity to have ice cream before bed when I stayed at grandma's.

7. I would hoard my candy from the holidays and would still be nibbling on my stash from Valentine's day during the summer. Mostly I would sell my candy to my dad who believed buying candy was cheaper then the dentist bill.

8. When I woke up from getting my wisdom teeth pulled I was in a very good mood and I was singing some of my favorite tunes. You will have to ask my mom exactly what I was singing, but lets just say it songs about falling in love. Reportedly, though I have no recollection of this, I tried to get up and dance with the nurse, but thankfully my dignity was saved and I passed out cold.
.
So tell me...which ones do you think I am fooling you on or possibly did I tell you the truth on every single one?

I SLAP FLOOR. Props if you know what that means :)