And on that day...

We were getting ready to prepare the ridiculously traditional Sunday tacos when I checked facebook and saw the news. A picture of a man full of life and happiness and a caption underneath with words telling of his passing.

He was a biblical counseling major which meant we could have been classmates in a few months I thought to myself.

Hushed tones laced our words as my friend and I talked about the unexpected shortness of life. We breathed prayers for a school that had to be hurting like nothing else. I could not even fathom the pain. How does life go on when a part of the body of Christ goes to glory? Inwardly I ached for people I had yet to know.

Life seemed short and unpredictable that Sunday afternoon and yet, so full of God's perfect plan and goodness.

Two months later I was on facebook again (checking facebook has become a bit of a emotionally traumatizing experience for me in more ways then one) and saw statuses I did not want to believe.

Gone in one quick moment of an intense outburst of weather gone horribly wrong. Nineteen men loved dearly, by their family and friends taken off of this earth. One of those someone I knew too well and my friends knew even better.

Pain struck close to home again and the days following seemed to have little reason. Except for one enormous fact. God was still good and still in control.

Two men, both two stellar godly men. Two men loved for their personalities. Two men who made the name Christ known to those around them.

I would be rushing to work and suddenly "10,000 Reasons" would blare through the dusty speakers and I would stop and remember the goodness of God and think of the beautiful hope of glory.

I wasn't there when those two guys lived their last moments on this earth, but knowing one and having heard of the other I can't help but imagine these words being on their lips.

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I worship Your holy name

Unexpectedly life may change, but the unwavering character of God will always remain good. And on that day when my end is near may I leave behind a testimony of God's grace and goodness. A testimony completely free of my own merits. 

She

She is the one we saw on the news. The mother of the man that murdered 12 people and then took his own life.

She is the one who through tear stained words apologized for her son's actions.

I don't know how she raised her son. I don't know what she did not do or what she did do. I cannot say if only you had done this or had not done this maybe your son would not be remembered as he is being remembered.

Right now she is probably dealing with a lot of "if only's" and no one needs to add to the guilt that is weighing on her mind.

She snuggled that little baby in her arms and named him. He was born innocent, but he was born with a sin nature and nothing she did would change the fact that he just like all of us he was a sinner.

Jesus sat and listened to the heart of an adulteress woman.

Jesus let his feet be washed by a prostitute .

He looked past their actions and gave them grace.

She is no less any deserving of grace than the rest of us. Right now her heart is broken into a million pieces.

I've never been a mother, but if some day I should ever hold a child in my arms, a baby that had already been near my heart for 9 months I know all I would want is for my little baby to succeed in life.

She the woman who not only grieves the loss of a child, but also mourns her child's actions. She the one who just like so many in this world needs us to show her Christ's love.

Quiet Nights

Tonight the moon is rising full of grander and beauty. Beauty ozzes from its brightness and the glory of a full moon cannot be over looked.

Last night clouds rushed over the moon, but while the clouds seemed to float close to the moon the light of the night remained bright and refused to be covered.

I sat on the damp wood of the bench and gazed up at the light finding comfort in the fact that nothing was going to stop the moon from shining through those clouds.

I do not worship beauty. I worship a Creator.

I let out a deep breath and let the tension leave me. Homework sometimes shallows up my faculties of reasoning and drives me to exasperation . I needed a break from homework. Not a break to go cry on someones shoulder. Not a break to laugh myself silly with my fellow dorm mates. I needed to be alone.

Quietness envelops me and  I stop and marvel at God's blessings in my life. I was only thinking of the blessings of that day, not the numerous ones from my entire life.

I sought solitude because I needed to focus and just pray. Prayer is vastly important and its something I find all to easy to neglect.

I'm thankful for fellow students and special speakers who God uses to remind me of my deficiencies

I turn to others before I turn to God and I wonder why the "fix" seems to be temporary.

God who in His great mercy has given me every single thing I need and yet I forget to "talk" to God about my life.

Building a solid relationship with others first requires a solid relationship with God. And that is why I seek quiet moments to get myself back on track. I'm a useless creature when I have given all attention to others and none to God.

I love people, but I love God more and He alone deserves first priority.

"Knowing you, there is no greater thing" 

Feeling so thankful tonight to be in this season of life of learning to know and trust God in this crazy college environment.

Mercy

Mercy abounds over and over me.

I the girl who has never murdered anyone, abused myself with drugs, stolen large amounts of money, etc etc, but still I am the girl who has spoken words with sharp venom and excused the "little sins" in my life as okay.

God's mercy pours out on me. I the sinner who is bruised and in desperate need of repair. I the person who is no better than anyone else, yet I am the one who can be so quick to feel as though I might be a better person than the other.

Mercy oozes from God. The more I mess up the greater the mercy and the greater trouble I have at fathoming this love.

People in my life know me and yet they love and continue to encourage me. God's mercy is the giving of friends. Ones that edify and encourage me and show mercy with their words.

Humbled I hold out the ugliness and beg forgiveness for what I should have known better not to do and I find mercy. Not reproach, but pure unblemished love and mercy.

And I know I am loved and forgiven and that is mercy. 

9.11.01

Today in case you didn't know was an anniversary. Not a wedding anniversary, but the anniversary of one of America's darkest days.

I say in case you didn't know, because there wasn't much talk about remembering. Just another sunny September day. Life was normal today.

Just like that day 12 years ago. Coffee was poured into travel mugs and people went to work and 12 years ago people did the same ritual. I wonder if all those travel mugs desegregated into nothing just like the bodies that were never recovered.

We held tight as a nation in the aftermath. We prayed. We went to church. We sang "God Bless America" till we were blue in the face.

We needed the hope that God was good and in control. We knew our country was in desperate need of prayer, so we prayed.

Our country needs prayer even greater than she did 12 years ago. We are not invincible and we need to trust in the power of God to take us through whatever the future entails.

Remember that today was not another ordinary day for families who lost someone to the attacks.

Remember that while today was a day of remembrance our country needs to be remembered in prayer each and every day.

Remembering where I was that awful day is a vivid memory in my mind. May I remember to pray just as easily as I remember the kitchen table I was sitting at when the lives of so many were abruptly stopped. 

Sunday Smatterings

Its been one of those weeks that has seemed eternally long. Its been a week of strange happenings of , so many things that are so foreign to me. There were days I laughed and there were days I wished for the quiet corner to be alone and do what girls do when they are alone.

There were so many awe striking moments of wondering how God could so smoothly put everything into place.

When I had given up all hope that the job I needed was not to be. When I wondered how I could save the pennies. When I was sure that there was nothing in my power I could do for a job and I was right there was nothing I could do.

God gave a job.

I have a job working in the kitchen. For various reasons I was not too thrilled about doing food service again, but God knows.

He knew I needed a job and God knows what I can do. Even more importantly God knows where I need to be stretched and so it is no mistake that I have this job. God gave me a job and there is no denying the work of a wondrous God.

My ears basked in the glory of hearing the beauty of voices lifted up in unison as I joined others in song. We as believers were gathered together for the purpose of cooperate worship and it was the balm my tired soul needed.

 Flip flops off I dashed across the wet grass letting the rain turn my hair in to a frizzy mess and letting myself enjoy the beauty of a summer rain shower. I tell you it was a moment straight out of Jane Austin. Well except the chivalrous male riding on a horse was lacking from the moment.

It was a long week full of so many Ebenezer stones that I want to store in my memory forever.

Thanks be to God for He is always good.