Four Years

these stone buildings would become my friends
and I would walk with them often.

I'm trying to comprehend the fact I've been living in the same place for four years now. Maybe thats a little small compared to the fact that I lived 19 years on the farm before I moved, but still four years is a long time.

How did the years slip by so quickly? How was it one moment I was homesick beyond measure and the next moment I couldn't bear the thought of leaving?

Four years ago I got in a suburban to go a road trip with my friends. I went because the car was going, not because I was particularly interested in seeing the school. A school visit was not going to make my decision God was going to.

um yeah this the pre college face. void of scars,
but all very full of the adolescent look.

Long hours on the road finally got us into town and I saw the beautiful beauty of stone buildings and regal lampposts. I fell in love.

I sat around a table and watched students eat leftovers or cold cereal for those who weren't into warmed up food. I listened to them talk about funny tales of my dear friend Celeste. I listened them tell their graphic EMT stories...and then they remembered I was there and apologized. I said I didn't care. After all I lived on a farm and had brothers. I listened them talk about the challenge of being a Christ like example at work. 

I pulled my already filled out application out of my suitcase and left it in the office. I kind of liked the school and wanted to go there.

I went to church and was inspired by the beautiful worship. I saw the edifying and building up of the saints in that church.

who knew this would become my place of work?

I arrived home. In the space of a few weeks a tick bit me and made me very sick, my grandma died, I started a job and I wondered if I should really go to school so far away. Then I got a message from someone who I met only once in my life, but was a good friend of my brother. Randomly six months after the three of us had sat together in Starbucks and sipped coffee she wrote me and encouraged me to go to college.

I needed that encouragement, so with a resolute determination I would cram boxes full of things and go off to a place where I knew God would work.

Did He ever. Each year God brought me back and then much to my surprise ( and honestly at first to my horror) I stayed another year after graduation. The tales of this past year are another story for another time.

All I can say is that God's grace is abundant. I never thought this is where the road would lead, but I'm glad it did. Life here has been a very grand adventure because of God's grace.

 these hills would take away my breath...every single day

Nevertheless

This week is Holy week. Tomorrow is Good Friday. We will remember the death and on Sunday we will celebrate the life still living.

I wasn't there over 2,000 years ago when 13 men broke bread together at the last Supper.

 I wasn't there to hear those final words of instruction.

I wasn't there in the dark garden to see the sweat turned to blood.

I wasn't there to hear the fervernt prayer. Words spoken with intenisty and so much pain.

I wasn't there to shrink into the shawdows when the unjust arrest was made.

I wasn't there to Christ so willingly be led away. Not giving his captors any opposition whatsoever. 

I wasn't there to see the Son do His Father's Will.

Gripped by agony of the anticpation of suffering Christ prayed. He knew. He was not naive of the excrucating pain He would feel. He knew that he would be desserted by His closest friends. He knew everything.

“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” (Luke 22:42, ESV)

Nevertheless. 

Christ knew, but nevertheless Christ went to the cross willingly...

...so we could know Him as Savior.  

And life has never been the same since. 

Nevertheless. Can I not do the God's will for me? 

But this, but that, but I can't....

Nevertheless God has called me to say "not my will, but yours, be done". Do the small tasks I'm called to do even compare with unfathomable suffering Christ willing went through? 

Nevertheless 

Nevertheless it is hard, but nevertheless it is so worth. Sometimes it is the smallest things that are the hardest to do, but nevertheless we can do them. 

He is able and by His grace we are made able. What is God calling you to do this Reconstruction Sunday?

Finished

To some grace is "easy". They understand what has been given to them and they take it. There is the relaxation of knowing they don't have to work.

And those people are not problem free and are not any less of need of grace, but by the grace of God they know where they stand before Him.

Then there is me.

A girl who is constantly putting herself in a tizzy trying to understand grace.

If I was a daughter of a Catholic I would have lived in the confessional.

If I was a daughter of a Mormon I would have lived on anti depressants, because it would have been so hard to be good all the time.

Instead I'm a girl with Mennonite heritage. Don't go look up a definition in the dictionary and if you know some Mennonites don't compare me with them. Literally there is every stripe of Mennonites under the sun. Those who seclude themselves from the world in order to live a godly lifestyle. Then there are the ones who have found ways to write things into the Bible that don't belong.

If you would like to know more about the Mennonites we could spend a weekend together, because that is how long it would take to go into detail of our roots and paths.

I digress.

Many years ago in a Mennonite church on the prairie a young college student told the church about grace. Thus grace was added to the gospel that was already preached.

As a child the gospel was preached to me. Grace was preached to me. Works was not preached to me in words. Somehow I created my own personal blend of the gospel and put all three of them together.

Sometimes its hard for me know how far to go into the culture. I measure my standards by others and not the Bible. I do the wrong thing and I have to remind myself I'm still forgiven. Its not so clear to whats okay and not okay. Its hard not to run the risk of being a prude.

Sometimes life is a sorting process of trying to figure what exactly is legal from scripture and its not always very clear.

This week is not just a week. Its the week where we remember what we should remember every single day of our lives.

Christ finished the work on the cross. 

Finished.

Done.

Finished so every time when I ridiculously mess up there is grace. Finished, so I can stop working so hard and start resting in God's peace.

Every day by the grace of God and nothing else I'm understanding the gospel more and more. Each day is blessing. Each day is a day to come to grips even further with the work of the gospel.

Oh there is so much to learn..

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Philippians 1:6)

Monday smatterings

Oh happiness its Monday. I really truly am happy its Monday. I just feel all giddy inside, because another week has started. No I don't have my rose colored glasses on my nose. No I have not consumed and large amount of caffeine or chocolate.

Sometimes does not a person have a right to be excited about Monday?

All ,month long there really hasn't been one bit of normalcy. Ordinary routine left and I tried to hang on for dear life.

Today is ordinary. Well so far it has been ordinary and its refreshing. Because I need those days where I do my to do list and whatever else happens with life. The days when you wake up and you don't cringe every time the phone rings because your afraid of the news on the other end.

Days where the sun is shinning bright in your brain and you don't feel covered over by fog.

March has been full of marching full speed ahead. I was never completely sure what beat I was marching too and kept getting lost in the shuffle.

To be completely honest I've struggled writing on my blog lately, because I don't want to be too raw and for awhile life seemed a little too sad to write about. 

I'm learning though its okay to have emotion. God made it after all. He gave us emotion to feel the joy and to feel the pain. God gave us comfort and hope to hold onto when we feel the pain.

Today I will open a journal with crisp clean pages that are void of words. I will write in it and tarnish the paper with ink. Journals are my Ebeneezer stones and writing in my journal brings a quiet sense of settling my thoughts into one place. I want to remember what God has done in my life.


God carried me through March. He took those un ordinary days and covered them with His grace and strength. When I look back at March I don't wish to wash it away I want to remember every single out of the ordinary moment of God's grace.

Today is an ordinary day, but I'm in need of God's grace just as much as if a tidal wave of life was about toowash over me. I'm glad God knows that too.

Sundays are for Rest

I'm listening to Christmas music. Snow is falling softly to the ground and when I watch it outside the window I feel like I'm in a snow globe. Hence I have an excuse to listen to Christmas music.

Sadly my cup of tea has disspeared into my tummy. It did the job nicely of warming my little self up though.

Now that I've eaten a apple and some dark chocolate I feel whole and complete. Although I do need to satsify my perpetual Sunday craving of salty popcorn.

Chruch this morning was beauitful. So much food for thought from the sermon on Jonah. I was so thankful to be reunited once again with my church family here. I'm really really really going to miss them...

Tomorrow I anticpate Monday, because its just going to be Monday and nothing else. Sometimes you crave an ordainary day when life has been so much of a roller coaster of traveling, happiness, sadness, change, and decesions.

Rest today feels restful. God really did design a good think when He appointed a day of rest. There is only so long a body can run, before the sheer weight of life threatens to calapse you.

I'm thankful that for all that has happened this March though little of it was in my planner, but all of it was in God's planner. God has been good and still is good. Really what is there to say.

God's grace is fully sufficient for every task. And that's all I'm going to say, because I have no more time to write:) 

reminiscing

5 years ago...

I was a 17 year old girl still trying to figure out how to do my hair. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Gazing off into the of course hopeful future

I had been done with high school for a few weeks.

I had acquired my drivers license less then a year before.

I became an official owner of a passport

People paid me to clean their houses so I could put money in the bank.

I wore double knit while performing in a small amateur 70's comedy. 



I was practically an only child living with my parents. There were three seniors in the house. The high school senior and the two seniors who let me use their senior citizen discount at the department store.

That's me being the actress 

I entertained myself by cooking meals and cleaning my parent's house.

I was planning my high school graduation entirely by myself. Getting my mother's opinion was harder then pulling teeth.

I was baking oodles of cookies for my graduation and picking out napkin colors.

In the year that followed.

I would fly far away to a country other then my homeland. I would come back not being the same.

I would become a working girl. Racking up hours from the early morning till the dark hours of the night.

I would visit a far away state and decide to go to school there.

I would keep on trying to make my hair look presentable...unsuccessfully .

I would drive all by myself to the big city to hold little babies who's mommies where non existent in their lives.

I would stand at the end of our drive way to flag down the EMS, so they could help my grandma.

I would wonder many times that year if I was watching my grandma breath her last.

I would hang on to the edge of the cliff and try very hard to please God.

I would understand grace like never before.

and I would continue on a life long adventure of knowing Christ better that still continues to this day.

In 5 years...

I will be...



who knows:) Oh the anticipation of adventure...

Finally Home

Home. I find it beautifully, tearfully, and painfully ironic that the "5 minute Friday " word prompt is Home.

My grandma went home this morning. Not home as in going home from the hospital, but as in home to heaven.

Grandma shut her eyes yesterday and when she opened them again she saw something she had never seen before.

As I stood in the middle of a noisy roomful of people. I tried to grasp the news that grandma was really gone. No matter how hard I imagined I could not think of what she was seeing or feeling. All I knew was that grandma was home and I felt pain and joy all in the same second.

Home. Grandma is home. No more pain. No more sorrow. No more sadness. Only joy.

I played my heaven pluralist today. Home going music. I thought about home and I got homesick. Strange how you can get homesick for a place you've never known, but if that is where Jesus is must be a pretty wonderful place.

Grandma is finally home in that beautiful place somewhere far away. I'm still here in a very temporary earthly home looking forward to the day when I finally go home myself.

 

Gone Far Away.

I finally saw all the lights. Oodles and oodles of bright lights filled the sky. The brightness reflected off of the snow covered city and it seemed bright as day even the night had long ago. It was a beautiful blessed sight after traveling for miles and miles and miles and miles across scenery that gave little variety to the eyes. We were finally in the big city at last and three short days later found me back where I currently belong.

Maybe it was a short adventure, but we found plenty of time to do lots of some things and less of other things. 

I didn't sleep...much. On the first night I went to bed after being up for 20 straight hours. That night I slept like a rock for 5 short hours and on the last night I slept for a precious three hours. Sleep really isn't all that important when there are amazing friends to see. The less you sleep the more you see your friends, so the choice is easy.

I ate some Indian food, but not with my hands because I was taking this cultural process one step at time. I didn't eat the spicy food either because my stomach wasn't in the mood to appreciate spice.

I played ping pong with people who didn't know me, so they didn't know I'm very uncoordinated at every sport I attempt. Thus they very kindly encouraged me every 23 seconds not understanding I'm used to being the odd ball and do not have any self esteem issues regarding my lack of athletic skills. Though I might have caused the person on my team to have self esteem issues because I made us lose :) Its okay to laugh, really I do think its funny.

I saw faces of people I knew and faces of people I didn't know. When I left the beautiful city I had more friends then I had 2 days earlier. I had memories I didn't know I could make and my head was so full of new thoughts that was very well entertained on the long drive home.

So the girl went on a adventure to a new and enthralling place and when she came back she wasn't the same. Because each thing you do in this life is a piece that is giving you experience, love, happiness, and so many other things. Each piece will add up into the beautiful story of life and that's why I love a good adventure.

Dear Grandma.

Dear Grandma,

I always loved going to your house. The hour it took to get there seemed to stretch into a endless eternity.

When I walked in the door I was went to your spotless kitchen first. Without fail you always had the exact same Tupperware bowl filled with cookies. Usually it was filled with your stand by chocolate chip cookies that were always so soft. My brothers implored me to make cookies just like yours because lets just say I tended to make mine very crunchy. I still can't make cookies like you, but I can still taste the cakey light texture . Of course they were best dipped in milk which you always had ample supply of in the fridge.

After I gathered up my snack it was time to go watch TV which was generally not done at our house, so it was fun to be able to do it at grandma's. I was glad when we there just in time for your favorite show "The Price is Right" or "Wheel of Fortune". Then there was "Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood" and whatever else the local PBS station had to offer.

Do you remember the two things we always had to do when went to your house? No visit to grandma's was complete without a game of SkipO. Using your electric card shuffler was so cool. Sometimes when you had friends over we would play Chicken Foot with your dominoes. I especially liked that game when I won. 

Staying the night at your house was wonderful for so many reasons. By far was the best one was the house rule of always having ice cream before bed. You would not defile your freezer with anything less then Blue Bunny Tin Roof Sundae though sometimes you bought Cookies n, Cream because you knew it was my favorite. I liked to pour milk on my ice cream and you said it was because my uncle liked to do the same thing.

I loved our tradition of helping you decorate your house for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving. You would play Christmas music on your tape player while we ate peppernuts and hung garland. For supper the tradition was waffles with white sauce and of course German sausage.You always made the most amazing food and I wanted to make good food like you.

Grandma you were the best hostess and you never shy ed away from filling your table with people and good food. Your butter laden mashed potatoes were always superb. You would reach out to others and have friends over for games and of course ice cream. I helped you deliver mail at the care home and do your other volunteer work. I went to your house and saw you as the person who loved to serve others.

When a friend would call you usually would sit there chatting away in low German. I loved hearing the tone of your mother tongue and I could always tell that you sounded happy on the phone.

One day grandma you moved away from your house into a little apartment that just wasn't the same. Then one day you had to go the hospital and I would keep your company while you recovered from your broken pelvis. You moved then into a cheerful little room in care home where you became the social light of the whole place. Now I could visit you several times a week or take you out to for our favorite McDonald's treat of ice cream.

Grandma your getting ready to move again. This time it could be awhile before I see you again, because you can't just visit heaven whenever you want too. Of all the moves I've known you to make this will be without a doubt the best one.

 I write this with tears in my eyes though, because I'm going to miss your laugh. I'm going to miss your cheerful remarks. I'm going to miss you talking about God. Right now I don't care about the ice cream or cookies, or endless TV, but there is a lump in my throat because I care about you. Grandma there is big house waiting up there for you and because I love you I want you to go there. To be relieved of your pain and meet your Savior.

Grandma I may never see you again on this earth, but I'm looking forward to the day when I go to your house again. Not really your house but our Father's house and I think we will have a grand time.

See you up in God's house Grandma.

Love,
Your Youngest Grandchild

My grandma has been declining in the last few days and it won't be long before she heads up to glory. Right now life is a maze up and down emotion and thankfulness of a sovereign faithful God.