They Need Love

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten the pang in my heart. The feeling of helplessness. The feeling of wanting to make the pain go away.

They were distant memories that in the rush of life I had pushed to the back of my mind.

I would drive by myself to the city in the old broken down car which you could hear coming a mile away. I would find a parking spot that would seem safe and rush inside quickly.

The building was made to look cheerful, but it all felt so fake and cold. It did not resemble the children's homes from the books, but still it was a children's home.

I babysat little children while their foster moms got a little break. I would look into sweet little eyes and read books to attentive ears. I would nestle infants in my arms and rock them as they slept.

The police were always there it seemed, bringing a new child. I heard the wails of the little ones. It was all to new, strange, and scary for them. I overheard the workers talking as they checked for bruises.
Sometimes they would ask the children question about events, but it is difficult for a child to talk about such things.

Just a few short hours and than I would get back in my clunker of a car drive back to a home that had always been nothing but stable 

I feel like in my brief volunteering I touched only a small splinter of the foster care world.

The splinter is embedded in me now and festers my heart. I can't forget the small amount of pain I saw nor am I willing too.

The fatherless. The children who only know how to abuse. The children who were born with drugs pulsing through their veins. The children who will do everything possible to destroy any act of love you show them.

The children who are desperately needing love.

 These are the children who will grow up. Girls will think they have found love only to be told that now their job is to sell themselves. For some in and out of jail will a routine. Diplomas will not be earned and good jobs will not be had.

Adults whose worlds were destroyed as children will attempt destroy the worlds of others.

Care for the fatherless...

I had pushed these uncomfortable thoughts to a corner of mind till I watched this video.

And I was reminded again, to find a way to love. 

Watch it. The 12 minutes and 47 seconds will be a good use of your time. From every account I have read, and I have read many, this video is displaying the harsh reality of what foster care is. 

Which means some of the scenes are violent and horrible.

ReMoved from HESCHLE on Vimeo.

Musings...

What the warm weather does to your brain; and other musings from the person punching out words on the ancient laptop.

Yes that is my title for this post and maybe someday a memoir...if I'm bold and brave. 

Everywhere you look you will see shorts and flip flops. 7O degrees hits at the end of winter and people shed winter wrappings like they are out of style. Its all in perspective really. What if we had a 70 degree day in the summer? We might be so inclined to huddle beneath our electric blankets and wear earmuffs while driving our convertibles.

(Just so you know I don't own a convertible, nor have I ever ridden in one. Something else that needs crossed off the bucket list).

Random conversation on this fair weather day.

College president , "you sure looked good crawling under that table"

*context*
last week there was a promo skit for the upcoming drama where one of the actresses was indeed hiding under a table.

Me *looking perplexed* "that was someone else", as much as I would like to own up to the fact of looking good while crawling under tables it was not me. Ahem. 

First picnic of the year held on the awkward leaning park bench. Which overlooked the parking lot made of asphalt, but when the weather is nice you don't need scenery...you only need a good picnic partner. So happy to have a lovely niece at my disposal for such lovely occasions.

And now there is another lovely reason excuse for not getting homework done. Its impossible to get good quality work done when the outdoors beckens...

The end of my brain musing...for today anyway.

let go

I'm writing on my blog, because I have nothing else to do. Well of course there is always something to do but I made the unfortunate mistake of leaving my textbooks in my room and the walk is too far and there is not enough time to make the journey worth while.

So instead I write on this blog or maybe its more I dump my brain onto a keyboard and hope the thoughts are somewhat readable.

(Switching into writing mode, and will stop using the illustration of vomiting and writing, but only if you knew the awful papers I have to write. )

I'm feeling inspired by this quote.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

 - Joseph Campbell

Because I've been thinking a lot about my life. Last week I read 4 books for my counseling classes. All on various subjects that pricked my heart. Maybe that explains the thoughtful mood of late.

 I've had hopes and thoughts of how my life should go and as of right now I'm not in a place where I ever really expected to be. This place in life is a very a lovely place and I like being in this season. Its been a gift. 

A surprise to myself that I never imagined to happen. 

Not that I ever really had enormous glamorous dreams, but every person whether he admits it or not has a certain idea of his life and hopes that idea will happen. 

 I have relationships I didn't expect to have. Experiences I never really expected to have. I've laughed at things I never expected too and I have cried and mourned for losses I didn't expect. 

I had those expectations and plans, but instead I'm living something completely different and its wonderful, but at the same time difficult and challenging. 

How is it that every year is a surprise? I never know what will happen, the good, the bad, and the ugly, it will all be there. Exactly how though I do not know.

 I wonder what is expected of me in this life? Or what am I expecting of myself? Sometimes I expect myself to perfectly brave the wind of change like a navy sailor. To hold dearly to the stern of life and be brave. 

Should I simply let go. Let go of those plans. Let go of those hopes. Let go of those expectations. 

 Let go, and simply be surprised at what God does? 

 And I say yes and no to myself.

 Yes let go, but no to letting myself simply be blown along by life. I don't know what to prepare for, but still I can prepare for the plans that have been made. The plans I don't know about, but God does know.  

I think I can do both, but I'm not sure, because I am not a great tight rope walker.

 I'm going to try, I always have to try, because there is no better way to learn than by falling and simply getting back up. 

Here is to letting go, but at the same time not letting go of what is important

And I write this entire post and realize there is a very popular song right now about letting go. I was in no way inspired, by the song and I could say more about the never ending singing of said song but I won't. 
 

Preparing for Monday

One year ago life was changing and I didn't comprehend at the time what all was happening.

I woke up on Monday morning in a city where I didn't live and with people I didn't usually see. My brain was buzzing with all the events of the weekend and I was beginning to wonder if the Bachelor's degree I had never hungrily sought would become my reality after all. And I was excited for that idea.

That day we drove and drove until we reached home in the cold of the night.

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Three days and I hardly remember them. I think I was doing all those things you do after a trip trying to get back into life. I just remember trying to think about making decisions for the future and also knowing the calm before the storm would soon be ending. Grandma had not been doing well for awhile and it was only a matter of time.

When my alarm went off Friday morning at the 5:38 am (someone of us need every extra minute of sleep). I checked my e-mail first thing and I knew that a lot was going to change that day. The nurse said grandma was dying and it would be soon. When 5:38 am came 24 hours later I was walking through security and preparing to board my flight home. In the space of 24 hours I had found out my last grandparent was gone, packed my bag, told my friends, had coffee with a friend, picked out clothes for a funeral, and gotten a few hours of sleep.

When I wake up on Monday morning I don't know what the week is going to hold. I may or may not have had a fantastic weekend. Maybe I had a restful Sunday and maybe I didn't. Maybe I worshiped God Sunday morning and worshiped my own personal idols in the afternoon.

When Sunday happens we don't know what will happen on Monday. Maybe it will be okay to just slide through the day and skip church get a little extra sleep. Maybe it will be okay for me to watch my favorite movies all day and lose my mind in something else rather than God's Word.

Rest does not have to happen on Sundays. Sometimes life will keep Sunday from being a restful day of renewal, but that rest needs to happen sometime. I can only go so long before I crash. My mind needs the unhurried time in devotion and mediation.

And no its not wrong to relax by reading the favorite book or watching the favorite show on Sunday or any other day.

Perhaps its the fact, that do I always rest and fill my needs with something other than God?

When that crazy week comes I need to be ready, but I'm not going to know when the crazy week will come. Maybe I anticipate the storm, but I will never know the fierceness till it hits.

A practice of taking time to rest is never going to hurt, because I never know when the Monday is going to dawn with the week I didn't expect to happen.

Monday is coming and I wonder if I am ready...

Thoughts inspired by several of my amazing classes this year. 

30 things for turning 30

Somebody is turning 30. Somebody is getting closer to being a old man. .

When my brother turned 25 I wrote up a long informative list of our relationship and now the same said brother is turning 30. I want to see if my brain could possibly spew out 30 new facts.

/ 1. When Ben was 25 he was still very single, but one year later he would take one of my friends on a date and 1 year after that they would be just days away from their wedding.

2. I made it a point to talk about this friend in the most glorious of terms to my brother and he finally saw the light.

3.  It was kind of strange when Ben got married, because I'm not always a fan of change and I didn't want to be the only unmarried sibling. 3 years later I have a glorious sister in law and a brother who has only changed for the better since he got a wedding band on his left finger.

4. 5 years ago I was in limbo of what to do about college and it was one of Ben's friend's who greatly influenced me to go the direction I did.

5. I'm now attending my brother's undergrad school to finish my counseling degree, because of some very strong encouragement from older brother.

6. Older brother just happened to be in town that first weekend of college and took the time to check up on me, because he knew being a transfer student had its challenges.

7.  Seeing a pattern? My life would be different, if older brother had not invested in little sister.

8.  Older brother has a special talent for getting sick in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Good thing he has a little sister who can teach his Sunday school class for him.

9. Ben likes the hard boiled egg yolks and I like the whites and so we trade. Obviously we make a good brother sister combo.

10. When us siblings and in laws have a date night Ben has been known to pick up the tab for single little sister.

11. Ben thinks my frozen egg nog is better than Braums. Not to brag or anything.

12. If you ride to church with Ben you will listen to the same song every Sunday. Morning drives to church with Ben always feel epic.

13. Ben has ideas for books, but instead long suffering little sister listens to endless lectures and advice. Of course I am grateful.

14. I'm pretty thankful, my brother and his wife had a little boy. This world needs another guy like Ben.

15. If Ben were still single and living at home I would make him an ice cream cake without chocolate for his birthday.

16. Ben often has dust, paint, or some sort of substance on him from working on houses.

17. Ben is probably one of the few people who has ever seen me cry. I was of course training him to be a good husband.

18. If your going to have Ben over  for dinner, you should make a lot of food, a whole heap of food, because your going to need a lot.

19. Ben always makes me feel like his very special little sister, but well of course I am his only little sister, but we can just ignore that small detail.

 20. The last picture we took together...we don't take pictures very often. Because you know they say memories will stay in your liver, heart, kidneys, forever or something to that effect.


 21. It should be known that the above picture shows a great deal of improvement. See?

22. Ben has really curly hair and could grow quite a head full if he desired, but not quite like the above picture because that is actually a wig.

23. I however am not wearing a wig.

24. When Ben called to tell me he was engaged I was in the middle of watching the worst Christmas movie ever. I say that because you shouldn't be using half a box of tissues during a Christmas music for crying out loud. I think I cried a few more tears of happiness just for good measure when he hung up the phone.

25. I feel like I would have had less emotional problems if I would have had one less big brother.

26. Never mind, I probably would have more.

27. In case it isn't obvious I am starting to ramble.

28.  If haven't noticed Ben and I have a pretty stellar relationship and its because big brother looked past the imprefections and invested in little sister.

29. Sometimes I have trouble wrapping my mind around that fact.

30. Happy 30th birthday bro. Enjoy the list, because I'm not sure you will get one when your turn 40 :).