This thing called confidence

I haven't clocked in for a job in over two years. Don't call me lazy. I've been working... oh have I worked, but no where with a ruthless time clock and happily no where that requires drug testing.

Expenses loom in the back of my mind and so for two months I hunted for a job. In a whirl of confusion one afternoon I had not one job but two jobs.

Suddenly I remembered just how terrifying it is to start a new job.

Walking on a tight rope seems to be more calming then starting a new job. Fearful of making the slightest mistake that could surely lead to your end. Wondering what those new coworkers are thinking of you. Nervous of the rolled eyes behind your back of not doing the simplest  of things right.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm remembering my big brother. The one who taught me public skills like a ninja. The one whose claim to fame is international public speaking. The one who is passionate about endeavoring people to succeed in this life. The one who ever since I was little didn't do things for me, but pushed me to do what I would not do.

He says.

Act confident. Show the face of confidence you don't have and focus on your task.

So I straighten my back and pretend that I've been doing this for years.

I still don't know what I'm doing, but I stop thinking about the fear and start thinking about the job. Just like that I found the key and let myself out of the prison of fear.

My co workers and I laugh together. We banter back and forth and I realize their people too. Not monsters with beady eyes ready to pounce on any mistake.

Confidence I discover is not a feeling, but an action. Acting on how you do not feel and yes being courageous even though you feel nothing like a super hero from Hollywood. Super hero's tend where odd articles of clothing anyway.

I'm going to get this job. Maybe not the first week, but I'm going to try. I'll ask the stupid questions rather then making the stupid mistake.

However I'm still wondering if this new job may require a better antiperspirant because it may be awhile before the nervous sweats stop.